Trust and safety are major issues for many women: a surprising number of us seem to have had very dysfunctional relationships with authority in our lives, and are often very tough on the outside as a result of this. We tend not to surrender our submission until we know that our partner is worthy of our trust, and is able to keep us safe. When it does happen, the result is that we can drop our defenses – which often yields greater peace than we have ever known. A man who is naturally dominant enough to assert his own boundaries and get what he wants in life inspires that sense of trust and safety. My husband is big, smart, handsome, and financially secure. Being with him means that, after a lifetime of taking shit from men, nobody will ever fuck with me again. That, right there, is more peace than I've ever had.

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Knowing that makes me want to give him my submission – and my gratitude. For us, as for many couples here, that gratitude includes giving him unfettered, unquestioned sexual access, instantly, upon demand. This is not a boundary I'm interested in defending against him in any way, so there is no whining or snottiness or grudging behavior allowed. Even if I'm tired, grumpy, or busy, the only answer this wonderful man ever deserves is YES, with a kiss and a smile. This gift, from me to him, has transformed our lives. I think women shut down sexually when they're concerned that they can't trust their partner to give them what they want without vigilance and boundary-setting. Since I trust my husband in all things, I can surrender that worry – and so I don't shut down. With all that inner chatter silenced, I'm astonished to find that my body is constantly ready, hungry even, to accept his desire and pleasure.

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I think a lot of men also experience their sexual needs as a burden: even married men are constantly worried about how they're going to get their needs met. They have to jump through all kinds of hoops to get women to have sex with them. It's exhausting – and, over time, it wounds their egos. Which is why my husband reports an incredible sense of ease and peace since I gave him full access to me. He never worries about if or how he's going to get laid. That part of his life is now simple: he gets what he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it, when he wants it. No begging, no apologies, no guilt! It's deeply validating for him as a man, and has greatly increased his confidence in the world. He says, “It's amazing to hang out with other guys, and know that I've got a love life at home that most of them can't even imagine. It absolutely makes me feel like I'm the top dog.”

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My Big Guy got this gift because he was willing to take me in hand – that is, set boundaries and standards, use his strength to defend me (even against myself), earn my trust, and keep me safe. I can trust him with total access because I know he will never abuse it (or me); and that he's the kind of guy who will reward the gift ten times over. We both know that if that trust were ever damaged, I would have to re-think the agreement. (If the relationship was going south, I suspect this would happen long before we ever got to the point of talking to lawyers.) A lot of the comments up above reflect a lack of clarity about a) the role trustworthiness and safety play in taking a woman in hand; b) the fact that free access is a gift that can only be given, not taken (thus eliminating the legal concerns); and c) the sheer erotic force this kind of surrender opens up for both parties.

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I hear a lot of women concerned about preserving their right to negotiate and set boundaries. That's fear talking – and me, I could never submit to someone I was that afraid of. But once the fear was gone, the need or desire to set that boundary vanished with it. What took its place was an almost constant arousal and desire for my beloved. I hear a lot of men who are confused about how to take a woman. You don't take her, guys: you inspire her to give it up to you. You show her she's safe. You make it clear that you're willing and ready to take charge of things that she finds aggravating. You let her know that when she's under your dominant care, she will want for nothing. If you want a relationship, find the right girl and give her safe haven. Win her trust. Make her safe. Show her that, in your world, the walls exist to protect her – and they will always hold. If you've found the right woman, she'll be so eternally grateful she'll never leave your side. And someday, if you're lucky, she may even agree to turn your love life into one lifelong, eternal YES.

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